Category / Notes to Myself

Paradox of not remembering

To be honest, one of my fears was/is memory loss and I am already aware that I have short term and (some would say) selective memory.. and I had couple of theories that my “bad” memory is just  a reaction to some stressful events from my early childhood.. although, others keep convincing me  that my memory is “normal” and that not being able to remember something happens  to everyone, I’m still pretty sure my memory is bad.. and I mean really bad..

Friends and family, those who know me really well, never judged me for not remembering something.. more so, they are always understanding when it comes to that point when I have no idea what happened.. so they  just remind me or tell me again what happen.. again, again and again.. I know it’s not easy to keep reminding the person u care for about meaningful events, certain people or some significant points in life in general.. and I really feel bad about myself when I just can’t remember what or when something happened.. and I know I should..

So, here is  how it works.. you have no idea what u remember or don’t remember until you don’t need that information/memory. Till then u believe you remember everything.. and it starts with little things, like I forgot to take that and that with me or I forgot to buy that thing, you know, day to day stuff.. it happens to everyone.. and you just say to yourself: oh, I am tired.. it’s not a big deal.. no harm is done..and you move on.. And then things start to get a bit more serious.. for example, you put away something, to a place that feels logical, and then, when you need that thing, you just can’t recall where that thing could be (or does it even exists) .. so you find another excuse.. and move on.. then you find yourself having a conversation about some event that really means something to you, and you have the picture in your head, you can see it clearly.. but for some reason some details/period of time is not there.. and then the person you are having conversation with is retelling you what happened and all that you hear just sound so new to you.. nothing is familiar at all.. but you say, oh yes, I remember now.. but you don’t.. and you have no idea if all the person is telling you is even true.. but you have no choice.. so you find some other excuse.. and move on.. then your mind starts messing with you for real.. it goes back in time.. so you think you still have that shirt you threw away 3 years ago.. you forgot someone died.. you forgot someone had a baby.. you forgot someone exists.. you know, big stuff, stuff you should remember.. but you don’t.. and then you tell yourself again.. its ok, it happens.. and you move on.. and suddenly, you find yourself sitting in the office with your phone in hands, going thru recent calls list and you see a number you can’t recognize .. and you can’t remember ever dialing it.. so you look closer and you see that the phone call lasted 54 seconds.. but u don’t remember anything about it.. ANYTHING! And then you start to panic..

The thing is..  you think, you believe, you are sure of yourself that you remember everything.. but to be honest, you don’t.. I don’t.. and I know I can’t remember half of my life.. it’s not that (stuff I can’t remember but I don’t know what that is) it doesn’t mean anything to me, it’s just that I don’t have a control over it.. no choice.. no saying.. nothing.. and it feels normal to me.. cuz I think I remember everything.. but  I can’t remember what I remember or don’t remember..

So please don’t blame me if I can’t remember how or when we met, if I can’t remember whether I have a cousin or not (although I met him/her several times), if I can’t remember entire vacation we took some time ago, if I can’t remember day/date someone close to me died, if I can’t remember I have seen that movie 3 times already..

Don’t blame me if I ask you same stuff over and over again.. don’t blame me if I ask you 7 times more what your favorite color is, or what’s your favorite song, movie, meal,  t-shirt.. you know, silly stuff I ask.. don’t think I don’t listen or I don’t care.. I just don’t remember ever asking you that question..

I’m not doing that on purpose.. I really don’t.. I don’t have a control over what will stay with me and what will just vanish.. big or small, apparently it’s the same.. what stays, stays..

But, you know, it’s not all that bad.. I’m not completely useless..   I can remember all the song lyrics..

Red lipstick can change your life..

Today I got ready on time .. so I had 30 seconds extra to put on the lipstick.. red.. cuz its rainy day so I had to brighten it up a bit.. I left the apartment at exactly 7:40, time the bus leaves the starting bus stop.. there are 4 stops till mine and I have enough time to cross the street.. yes, that’s how far my bus stop is.. the bus was late.. and the light rain already started.. while standing there, waiting, I was looking towards my balcony.. there was gym clothes still outside.. that didn’t bother me too much..i wondered where did I put my headphones and was thinking how I must carry them with me at all times.. the bus arrived.. I sat down at my usual seat.. but this morning there were a guy and a girl in sea kayaking  t-shirts just the opposite of me.. the girl was holding a mug and a fork.. but she ate all that was in that mug so I couldn’t figure out what she had for breakfast, unfortunately.. that reminded me.. long time ago I went to a friend’s house with my coffee mug.. and that was considered strange.. so I never did that again.. but to be honest, that girl was a refreshment to me, despite all this rain.. and I’m thankful for that.. ride to work was longer than usual.. there are exactly 6 bus stops, including the last one.. but as soon rain comes down, in this town, all the drivers forget how to drive and then there’s chaos.. that gave me extra time to listen what they were talking about.. luckily I didn’t have headphones with me.. so, the guy was from Zagreb and the girl was not from Croatia.. and they were selling tourist tour guides during the summer.. the guy was funny.. bit geeky.. tall and was wearing shorts.. so his head looked even bigger.. I have theory about that, is not just another nonsense I say.. they were talking about a guy named Luka.. I didn’t care much about that.. at that point lawyer in me started to speak.. it is obvious that girl is selling tours.. she had a t-shirt and everything so I think that’s her job.. but she is not from Croatia.. so it’s logical the boss is paying her cash for her work.. which is not legal much..  and they are working in the very center of this small town.. and they don’t care.. that got me thinking.. does anyone cares about anything these days? There was a lady in the middle of the bus, with a stroller for 3 kids.. no one gave a damn about her being able/not able  to pull the stroller out of the bus or not.. cuz no one cared.. I shook my head trying to clear my thoughts.. so I headed towards the office.. passed by a lady that works in the same building.. she was waiting in front of the bakery.. we said good morning to each other and she made a comment about how she’s hungry already.. I nodded, smiled at her and continued to the office… then I thought.. did I care?

I did..

I do…

Point of having no point

For about week or so now, I have been bothering myself (again) with the purpose and meaning of (my) life.. yes, sometimes I get lost and I really should just write down conclusions or the purpose/meaning I find from time to time.. just to spare myself the trouble of thinking about it over and over again.. this time, the problem was that I couldn’t find the reason why am I doing anything basically.. why do I even get up in the morning, why do I go to work, why do I think about doing this and that.. why do I do whatever when everything is pointless and meaningless.. I have found myself so spaced out and detached from everything and everyone.. and it was a lonely place.. and a place I didn’t like.. all I could hear in my head was that cliché sentence “I’m standing in the world (room) full of people but I feel all alone”.. and no one can hear me scream.. and then I remembered that youtube video I have seen a while ago that have made a huge impact on me and became a standing point of my personal philosophy.. its Carl Sagans Pale blue dot.. (if you haven’t seen it, here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wupToqz1e2g) Honestly, I got so stressed about almost everything that even my body decided to misbehave.. and that was my que to stop.. just stop whatever I was doing to myself..

The point is that there is no point at all.. I know, it sounds stupid at first but think about it for a second.. we are thought to have plans and to set the direction and to check those boxes I already told you about.. but.. there is no point.. there is no point of hunting anything.. so I kinda decided I shall make no plans and I shall hunt nothing.. that doesn’t mean I will start doing nothing.. I will just stop heading in the direction I thought i had.. I will just live.. and enjoy the moment, people, food, music, rain, pain, and whatever life brings.. good or bad.. there is no point of being obsessed about this and that.. cuz all I can do is breathe.. and be.. at the end of the day all I have is me.. and its time I start learning how to be friend with that person.. I need to change stuff from within and stop ignoring myself and what “she” is saying.. there is entire little universe there of someone who wants to be heard.. I just need to start listening.. cuz all the “accomplishments” will mean absolutely nothing when the end comes.. and it will have no correlation with the person you really are.. so why should I put all my energy to it.. point is, I have no idea what I want from life at this point… and the bigger point is.. it doesn’t matter.. cuz, whats the point of having or not having a point.. exactly, there is no point.. at all..

In desperate attempt to grow up they have lost..

In desperate attempt to grow up they have lost.. EVERYTHING.. by everything I mean everything that is making them “human”.. they lost their giggles, their playfulness, their kindness, their life spark..

When you get to a certain age you just have to play by certain rules.. so they say.. although you have that extraordinary opportunity to make your life just the way you want it to be, you get so obsessed by the rules you want to follow.. just so you can fulfill your egos wishes and feel “important”.. cuz that’s all there is.. feeding your ego..as far back as you can remember you wanted to be “older”.. so you pretend to be “grown up”, you play silly games, you imitate your parents or any person you look up to, you are so desperate to start an adult life  you can’t think of anything else you would rather do/be.. but that game never ends.. you just go deeper.. you get to that point where you find a job/life you are not happy about, and you settle with that, cuz that’s the first rule.. then you have to be angry about the job/life and you have to be tired and you have to nag about it all day,every day.. and that is your reflection now… cuz that’s the rule no. 2.. then you may not have any ideas/thoughts/sayings that will present you as silly or childish cuz lets face it, you have an important job/life now.. and you have to remain important.. so all the ideas/thoughts/sayings that may ruin your image, that you have been building since you were five, might get crushed in a second..  and you don’t want that.. cuz of that rule no. 1.. while feeding your ego with the nonsense society thought you, you forget to smile.. you forget to smile only cuz clouds exists or cuz the grass is wet, you forget how to giggle when you remember something funny, you forget to laugh cuz that is not cool.. and all of a sudden idea of being an astronaut is out of the question.. cuz its not realistic.. more so, its childish.. cuz you know, you are of a certain age now.. and important nevertheless.. remember the rule no1.?

Would you believe me if I told you that there is only one person I know at this very moment that is genuinely not afraid to laugh?

And you know what? It doesn’t surprise me.. in order to be acknowledged in todays world.. among your friends and family, coworkers and a random people you are going to meet at the grocery store.. it is not recommendable to say hi to a dog, ask a random question or to go for a “no destination” ride .. you just don’t do that anymore.. cuz you are tired, and busy and important now..

But you know what? I refuse to be that person.. I might find it quite appealing  to be just another brick in the wall right now.. but I don’t think that’s for me..

DO YOU BELIEVE IN COINCIDENCE?

When a real life interrupts my daydreaming I’m not too happy about it but hey, we all have to make a living..  sucks to be us..

Although, I don’t have as much time to think about random stuff I usually do when on vacation, there is one thought that I just can’t shake off so easily..  or to be precise, I can’t shake it off at all..
( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfWlot6h_JM )

Couple of recent events inspired me to think more about coincidences in life.. is there even such thing as coincidence? And what is opposite? Fate? Destiny? Grand master plan for each and every one of us? As I’m trying to be optimistic about every situation in life, past or future, after considering every option, I kind of decided to think that everything happens for a reason. I mean, how can you explain something, what you once thought is just a random situation that happened when you were just a silly kid, can have such an influence on who you are today.. and after that thought everything got so much more complicated (only in my head tho, which is good).. as I believe in reincarnation (don’t judge) I thought, why would I exclude all the random situations ever happened to me.. random situation… random.. does randomness even exist? Chaos theory.. that makes sense.. everything is related, everything is with purpose and pattern.. but what’s my pattern.. do I have one.. how do I find out what’s my pattern.. I want to find my pattern.. see, chaos already..

Back to basics, thing that bothers me, is that magical feeling we all have.. like we have right to choose and to control.. we are so sure of ourselves the moment we are choosing something or making a decision in general and we are sure we are in control.. not just in control of ourselves but of time as well.. so we go to a one place instead of other in that specific moment we think we have chosen and something random and meaningless happens (is it random and meaningless?) and we don’t even notice it.. so human way to think.. sometimes it makes more sense to me, that we are all drawn to that one path, path we have been going over and over again (reincarnation and stuff) and we have no control over it.. it might sound depressing at first.. but.. there is nothing you can do about it.. so why fight it? ( I told you it’s depressing)

Bottom line, I think everything happens for a reason.. and our path is already set.. Although my thoughts are still a mess about this topic, there is just too much randomness it can’t be coincidence.. and there is probably a good explanation for all of it but I just can’t bother to find it out just yet.. but I’m willing to let go off all the control I assured myself I have and just go down my path.. whats the worst thing that can happen?

Home is where the heart stands still..

My mind has been all over the place last week or two.. but I finally found peace, yesterday.. I got reconnected with myself, forgave myself everything, said one big thank you to the universe for everything it gave me.. good and bad.. basically, I have found a home within myself.. it was so close but I just needed that push in right direction.. and now I can leave.. cuz I know all will be just fine, with or without me… and I’m grateful…

Now, enough about my thoughts.. here are some photos.. you will notice I love dogs…

 

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Had to leave the dogs… was time for tea in this wonderful place.. Mint tea while the sun is going down..

 

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Ghost town or town filled with ghosts?

I have been looking forward for a while now of going back home.. Lets be honest, I love it here and I miss it every day.. And me being me, I have a pattern.. of places I always go to and people I always see.. and food I always eat.. as the food is top priority, on my way to McDonalds the other night (don’t judge) strange thought appeared (and wild Zubat, go figure)  when I was asked that same question over and again: why did you leave? As I always think in questions, before I gave that “same old answer” I couldn’t avoid but to ask myself: why did I chose to leave when I like it here so much.. So I wondered, do I now like the city only cuz of memories it once gave me? Cuz city was giving me some other kind of energy half a decade ago..

I’m also famous for my bad and selective memory so maybe that’s the case.. Maybe I just remember things I want to or that’s just defensive mechanism I’m still not quite sure. .maybe it’s just the BS I keep telling myself but, in situations like this, where I look around and I feel and breathe the surroundings, I can’t find the reason why I even left in the first place. But still, I don’t regret leaving.. that’s strange sentence/thought, I’m strange, who cares…

Answer to all those questions I don’t have, and I’m not even trying to find it.. cuz I enjoy the process of thinking about it too much.. so now, while I’m writing this, slurping the coffee from that old Garfield mug, I’m wondering, is this ghost town of mine actually filled with ghosts of good memories? Are ghosts, that once pushed me away, calling me back, now that I am able to deal with them? Or maybe I can deal with them only cuz I’m far away?
You know that famous one “Right time, right place”.. well, is there a right time for the right place for your thoughts? I can’t help that feeling that I’m in right time to be in right place to have the right place for my thoughts.. And I think that’s the only place you will ever need to be.

Nevertheless, I like my ghost town filled with ghosts  of good memories and I intend of keeping it that way.. so far I came to the conclusion that it is the ghost town and for me it will always be, but the distance gave me the power to love it even more.. In the process of getting myself to this place I have learned to be patient and that nothing lasts forever (good or bad).. but I still haven’t figured out how time and place work together or are they even friends.. still, I’m planning on finding that out real soon.. maybe it’s the place, maybe it’s the time but I am getting all kind of ideas..

Whats that thing that keeps us ticking?

Whats that thing that keeps us ticking?  Do we need a fix every now and again just to keep us going?

Lately, I have been thinking  lots about that fine line between sanity and going bananaz and how well do we hide our craziness. I try not to be judgmental, ever,  and I’m struggling with all that  norms written by society every day, but i can’t stop wondering how much is too much? Even for me..

I understand we all have that one thing that gives our lives meaning, but i can’t stop thinking about that one thing that makes us want to have a meaning, if that even makes sense. So, basically we have two types of check-boxes, right.. First type is the one „everyone expects us to have“ and then we have that other set of check-boxes that we actually want to tick off (or that keeps us ticking).. so far, i think this other set of check-boxes we keep hidden from everyone, occasionally even from ourselves. But what happens when u have filled all the check-boxes everyone wants you to fill and u came to that point where you want to do the other set, the set u have written for yourself but you are to afraid to even say words out loud. Are we so afraid what other will think/say that we started judging ourselves on our own just to beat everyone to it? Are we just ticking bombs begging  someone/something  to set us off?

So far, I came to conclusion we actually like that kind of „misery“. We enjoy hunting that glimpse of a feeling of almost ticking the boxes from the second list. Coz we still like the hunt.. of basically anything. We hunt all the time, whether we like to admit it or not. We r hunting  people, money, pokemons, feelings, whatever. Al tho, we will never admit what  is that we are actually hunting. Have you ever stooped and asked yourself why are you doing stuff you do every day? Do you go to work coz you  like the money on the account or you do it coz of the feeling it gives you by having it? Do you want new pair of shoes coz they are beautiful or you want them coz of the feeling you will get wearing them? Do you like big boobs coz they look nice or you like the feeling they provide? I think you got my point.

Basically, beauty of craziness begins the moment you decide to be yourself. Admit yourself everything, it’s ok, you know? So what if that will not get along with the picture someone drew of you. It’s not even important to tick first checkbox set. Who cares?!? Just focus on the other set of check-boxes and you will be  just fine. It is ok to be crazy, insane, or even worse.. as long you are not doing any harm to yourself or others. Keeping in touch with reality is keeping in touch with your insanity/craziness. Go for the other set…