Paradox of not remembering

To be honest, one of my fears was/is memory loss and I am already aware that I have short term and (some would say) selective memory.. and I had couple of theories that my “bad” memory is just  a reaction to some stressful events from my early childhood.. although, others keep convincing me  that my memory is “normal” and that not being able to remember something happens  to everyone, I’m still pretty sure my memory is bad.. and I mean really bad..

Friends and family, those who know me really well, never judged me for not remembering something.. more so, they are always understanding when it comes to that point when I have no idea what happened.. so they  just remind me or tell me again what happen.. again, again and again.. I know it’s not easy to keep reminding the person u care for about meaningful events, certain people or some significant points in life in general.. and I really feel bad about myself when I just can’t remember what or when something happened.. and I know I should..

So, here is  how it works.. you have no idea what u remember or don’t remember until you don’t need that information/memory. Till then u believe you remember everything.. and it starts with little things, like I forgot to take that and that with me or I forgot to buy that thing, you know, day to day stuff.. it happens to everyone.. and you just say to yourself: oh, I am tired.. it’s not a big deal.. no harm is done..and you move on.. And then things start to get a bit more serious.. for example, you put away something, to a place that feels logical, and then, when you need that thing, you just can’t recall where that thing could be (or does it even exists) .. so you find another excuse.. and move on.. then you find yourself having a conversation about some event that really means something to you, and you have the picture in your head, you can see it clearly.. but for some reason some details/period of time is not there.. and then the person you are having conversation with is retelling you what happened and all that you hear just sound so new to you.. nothing is familiar at all.. but you say, oh yes, I remember now.. but you don’t.. and you have no idea if all the person is telling you is even true.. but you have no choice.. so you find some other excuse.. and move on.. then your mind starts messing with you for real.. it goes back in time.. so you think you still have that shirt you threw away 3 years ago.. you forgot someone died.. you forgot someone had a baby.. you forgot someone exists.. you know, big stuff, stuff you should remember.. but you don’t.. and then you tell yourself again.. its ok, it happens.. and you move on.. and suddenly, you find yourself sitting in the office with your phone in hands, going thru recent calls list and you see a number you can’t recognize .. and you can’t remember ever dialing it.. so you look closer and you see that the phone call lasted 54 seconds.. but u don’t remember anything about it.. ANYTHING! And then you start to panic..

The thing is..  you think, you believe, you are sure of yourself that you remember everything.. but to be honest, you don’t.. I don’t.. and I know I can’t remember half of my life.. it’s not that (stuff I can’t remember but I don’t know what that is) it doesn’t mean anything to me, it’s just that I don’t have a control over it.. no choice.. no saying.. nothing.. and it feels normal to me.. cuz I think I remember everything.. but  I can’t remember what I remember or don’t remember..

So please don’t blame me if I can’t remember how or when we met, if I can’t remember whether I have a cousin or not (although I met him/her several times), if I can’t remember entire vacation we took some time ago, if I can’t remember day/date someone close to me died, if I can’t remember I have seen that movie 3 times already..

Don’t blame me if I ask you same stuff over and over again.. don’t blame me if I ask you 7 times more what your favorite color is, or what’s your favorite song, movie, meal,  t-shirt.. you know, silly stuff I ask.. don’t think I don’t listen or I don’t care.. I just don’t remember ever asking you that question..

I’m not doing that on purpose.. I really don’t.. I don’t have a control over what will stay with me and what will just vanish.. big or small, apparently it’s the same.. what stays, stays..

But, you know, it’s not all that bad.. I’m not completely useless..   I can remember all the song lyrics..